Saturday, April 25, 2009

Alert: Lazy Zombie Virus is Spreading!!!!!1!!one!

There's a pandemic going on. Code Name Alice has sensed it and thrown the warning. All agents are on high alert. At 7:19pm PST, a massive viral outbreak of the Lazy Death took hold of our city. As fools rushed into traps lain by the infected, they too became infected. Within hours, by IQ, the lowest 15% of the population was completely taken over by the disease.

Sleep Deprivation Ninja and Code Name Alice stare down at the ragged streets of downtown Seattle, piled high with infected villainy. They step near a financial investment adviser who is wearing a $2K suit, with a purple tie befitting a pimp. The business man is slumped against the wall outside Nordstrom, eyeballing passersby.

"I'm trying to conjure a plan that will incite you to come over here and insert your brain into my mouth." Says the lazy zombie, staring at us, drooling with eager yet ineffectual lust.

"Good luck with that." Says Ninja. "What seems to be working for the other lot?"

The investment zombie attempts to shrug but his shoulders are too lazy and he just twitches a little up in his neck, moans a pathetic grunt and collapses to the ground, apparently of fatigue.

A scream. Ninja and Child look over to see a zombie holding a cheeseburger, far away from his face as a vagabond lunges for it, only to receive a sharp bite to the neck from the infected trickster. One more down. But the scream didn't come from this pair. Only a few feet away, a young girl stands at the bus stop, pinned between two languorous laggards, laying on the ground, attempting to trip her by aimlessly rolling as slowly and lifelessly as they can muster toward her unprotected legs.

"Fear not, young lady." Says Ninja with a commanding hand.

"WTF?" Says the girl. "Has the world gone totally, like VR or some bunk? If A-N-Y-one comes near me, I'm going to mace your face!" She produces said accoutrement.

Ninja decides to back off, seeing that the girl is pointing the spray not only at the lethargic zombies but also at him. She has this one under control. "Right." Says Ninja, vanishing as he does.

The virus continues to spread. Be on the lookout for inert instructors, careless caretakers, lackadaisical lawyers, apathetic assistants, somnolent insomniacs, passive police, slothful senators and loafers of all kinds--especially those with pockets of drool forming on their chins. They may be infected.

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