Riding the Bus

I take the bus. I like the bus. It's really great. Well, it's a lot better than driving through rush-hour traffic (or any traffic, really).

I have spent many hours on the bus napping, reading, writing emails, posting sleep logs, and talking on my phone--things you either can't or are not allowed to do while driving. But there is one problem:

Although I'm usually tired on the bus, I've become an information junky, which leads to less sleep than usual. It would be a great place and time to take a nap but my newest addictions to twitter, blogging, reading RSS and being a ninja (even sleep deprived) make that an unlikely scenario.

Today, there is a Chinese speaking couple sitting right across from me. They are chatting away in Mandarin and as I'm fondling my twitter client, I'm trying to eavesdrop on their conversation, listening for the few dozen mandarin words I know. In my addiction to data absorbtion, I've been neglecting the practice of my Chinese output, so learning the language in any useful sense has been rather slow. Nonetheless, I'm exited by languages. I love them. When I'm drowning in a sea of words that I don't know, I simply close my eyes, absorb and smile. It's beautiful, musical, sensual.

One of the unfortunate effects of being sleepy but not wanting to fall asleep and, at the same time, being an info-junky--and getting more information than the sleepy mind can process--is the unexpected cameo of a random, uncontrollable erection. What? Yes, you heard me right, but pay attention to the context, this isn't the creepy, gross kind, not like, "damn, that girl is hot and I'm thinking about sex... hehe, cool!" Not like that. I'm not some pervert on the bus trying to get jollies off on strangers. Granted, as with the aforementioned licentious scenario, my situation is spontaneous and really freaking embarrassing. Don't get me wrong, erections are cool and I like having them as much as the next guy. However, the Sleep Deprivation Ninja doesn't like to sport the gear when it's not in use.

But when Sleep Deprivation Ninja gets really, really tired and still struggles to stay awake for the wrong reasons, his body tends to fight back. It says, "Hey, guess what. I'm pumping in some sleepy chemicals that are going to make you all warm and fuzzy and you are going to feel really introverted and curl up into a little ball and sleep." Even though nobody can see the inner turmoil of the ninja battling his bio-chemistry when it's happening, this feels more than a little awkward on the northbound downtown bus at rush-hour. Sleep Dep Ninja thinks to himself as he casually peruses the faces of nearby passengers: "Is anyone staring at the huge bulge in my pants? No... wait, maybe.... no. OK, good. Now to make it go away."

Sleep Deprivation Ninja (thinking to himself): "Ninja focus!"
Chinese Woman (deciphered from Mandarin): "-- -- American, ---- -- -- very big --- - --."
Chinese Man (likewise): *chuckles* "Yes! I --- --- very big --- - --."
SDN: "Focus!"
CW: "Why -- -- --- your ----"
CM (looking offended): "--? My -- --- very big -- --!"
SDN: "Oh, drats. Body, you have bested me. Maybe I can unlock the Wii Fit exercise to master my erection later."

Sleep Deprivation Ninja allows his mind to falter, his sleepiness consumes him, masking his embarrassment. As he looses consciousness, the bus begins to slow down; the sun begins to set; the world begins to dim; When Sleep Deprivation Ninja falls asleep, everything and everyone fades out of existence, to be reborn only when he wakes.

Escalators

I hate people on escalators.

Whether they are walking single file and leaving enough room for me to pass or if they are standing with huge bags of luggage, blocking the whole pathway, I hate them all. Now, don't get me wrong, I hate the loitering, space-hogging wafflers a little more. But there is one group of people who would get fan-mail from my hatred if it had the tenacity to write without my consent:
The people who walk briskly up the escalator, only to slow and come to a stop 3 steps from the top.

I'm speeding up the escalator at the bus tunnel with my standard, gallantly efficient, two step jump-run and just over half-way up I'm stopped dead in my sprint by a huge lady waffling side to side.

Sleep Deprivation Ninja: *cough* *hrrm*
Lady with Bags: "..."
SDN: "um... BTW, your shoes are untied."

As LB bends down to check her shoes, I leap ten feet in the air, over her gnarled hair, the momentum of electric steps throwing me forward as I reach the top. Passersby stare in awe as I hover in the air, just before my descent to the ground. I'm the hero. I'm the king of the escalator. Nobody fucks with me.

Sleep Deprivation Ninja laughs in the face of physics.

Sleep Deprivation Ninja doesn't mess around. He doesn't wuss out and land gracefully. No, when it comes to admitting colossal fuck-ups, Sleep Deprivation Ninja makes sure everyone learns from his mistake. When Sleep Deprivation Ninja hit the ground, he hit so hard Chuck Norris shat his pants. Sure, he rolled, he tumbled, but his limbs splayed and covered the walkway like a broken piano, thrown from a rooftop. But Sleep Deprivation Ninja isn't called a ninja for nothing. Popping bones back into place is kid stuff. Really, the only trick is getting both arms back in so you can more easily do your legs. The first arm is the hardest. I fumble around on the ground, flopping like a thirsty fish, until my right shoulder pivots in a skyward position, providing enough force of gravity to compress my left. By the time I get all back together, the transit authority is almost upon me. Less than 4 meters away (yes, ninjas use metric), I jump up, bouncing off one wall and run to the next set of escalators. Nobody can keep up with the Ninja on an escalator, nobody.

I'm taking the steps two or three at a time, approaching a young guy in a preppy kiss-ass business suit who is heading up with a brisk one-two, one-two as if he's going to be late for some meeting. I do the mental calculus and figure he will be out of my way by the time I reach his position at the top.

The transit authority is dead on my heel, running up the manual steps next to me, shouting, "Sir, halt!" Two jumps from the top of the steps, this intern-wannabee piss-ant in front of me comes to a stop, taking up the whole walkway.

Sleep Deprivation Ninja: "Donald Trump is signing autographs downstairs!"
Intern Wannabee Dude: "huh, shit!"

He leaps off the side of the escalator and rolls down the stairs, crushing the transit authority police who are as surprised as the gullible rat-race fanboy. I make my great escape through the open air of the Downtown Seattle streets, the sky blistering with little droplets of rain.

Sleep Deprivation Ninja disappears into the smokey haze of the morning mist.