Movie: Hellboy 2

Since my mother was in town over the weekend, we went out to a movie. I didn't realize how cool simply going to a theater really is until I had a baby. Once you get passed the notion that your child isn't going to die if you leave the house for a couple of hours, it's pretty fun.

So we get to the theater and only 4 other people are there. It's Sunday night at 22:00* so it's expected but I still release a mental shout in the form of SCORE!!! A young couple sits in the back and an older pair is in the middle. We sit close to the front.

The old guy in the middle keeps making crass and lame jokes about the commercials that play while we are waiting for the movie to start. I don't give him a hard time because I really hate those commercials. It pisses me off that they show them at all but we are at one of the discount theaters that only shows movies that were cycled out of the good theaters at least a month ago. Tickets are $3 each** so I can't complain here. Someday I may crack at one of the theaters that charges over $10 each though...another adventure.

The trailers start and the old guy is at it again, he's a little loud and obnoxious and I'm bottling my ninja gusto, preparing for the moment his crass ass shouts something stupid during the feature presentation. I can feel it in my black ninja blood that there's going to be trouble tonight.

Ten minutes into the movie, another couple walks in. The man is quite overweight and as I size him up, I start to wonder if I could throw him in a fight. I don't think this is a ninja thing exclusively. Guys can vouch, yeah? And this applies to heterosexual male thinking only. I'm sure the train of thought is different when you are attracted to men. But the train of thought experienced by heterosexual guys, when meeting another guy for the first time, runs mainly along the same track, stopping very briefly at the following destinations:

1. Is he a bleeder?
2. He looks like a (nice|decent guy)|asshole|badass|poser|{insert other superficial character judgment}
3. How far could I throw him?
4. If I'm going for height, where's the best handle on this guy? What about distance?
5. Is he more attractive than I am?
6. Is he betting on speed or strength to save him from me hurling this chair at his head?

We have a completely different rail line dedicated to first thoughts at the time of meeting a woman. It's itinerary goes something like this:

1. Would I have sex with her?
2. Would I have sex with her in an apocalyptic scenario?
3. Is she the hottest girl here?
3. Would she have sex with me?
2. Would she have sex with me in an apocalyptic scenario?
4. Does she think I'm more attractive than that guy over there?
5. Is he a bleeder...
....

This is where the two train tracks meet in a giant, deadly criss-cross. You have to be very careful because collisions can occur if you get overwhelmed.

But alas, I digress so much. So this guy does look like a bleeder, he doesn't look like a particularly nice or bad guy. I give him the thumbs sideways in that department. I'm not sure how high or far I can throw him. Attraction to the ladies isn't an issue, not the least of which is due to the fact that I'm here with my hot wife and none of the other ladies can even afford a ticket to lady train stop #3. I suspect hes betting on the large tub of popcorn to save him from a chair being lobbed at his head. Either that or he just trusts the benevolent nature of mankind. I'm not a bad guy. I don't throw chairs at people's heads for no reason. So maybe he's safe.

I can't even see the lady behind him, so she doesn't hop on the train. Besides, the movie is going; you think I have time to size up everyone who enters a theater after the lights go down?

Hellboy 2 kicks some serious ass. It reminds me of growing up in the projects--foul and beautiful creatures alike, all trying to wipe out humanity.

Halfway through the film, I hear really heavy breathing. Massive breathing. I start to wonder if I need to shift hyperplanes and kill something that's trying to eat its way through the fabric of space. As I look back, I see that it's just the newbie with his eyes shut, his head tilted back and his mouth flapping incessantly in a snore pattern. While I watch, in utter shock, he begins to snore, snort, sniffle and snuff, in random order and volume. He's a steam engine ready to blow, rubber lids blocking his air valves and old dried crude cluttering the pipes.

"Hey, you can sleep at home, dude!" I know, sometimes I refer to people as 'dude'. Don't ask me why.

"Ohhuhnnk! guh...." He's awake now, staring at the screen like he didn't even hear me.

OK, I think, back to the show.

Ten minutes later, the snoring is back. It's chair time. I grab the free seat to my right and heave it back toward the guy. I make good height but the man has already woken up from the sound of the metal base being ripped from the ground. He lifts the jumbo popcorn bucket to his face to block the theater chair. I'm surprised at the resilience of the butter tub as it ricochets the chair three rows forward.

"Hey, what gives?"

"Your snoring gives, bub." I'm at his side and I shove my hands deep into his stomach, aiming for a good organ to grab onto for leverage. Picking up big guys is tricky and best achieved internally.

Once I have a good hold, I lean back and with the prowess of an Olympic discus thrower, I go for distance, sending this guy toward the exit door. He turns out to be lighter than I had estimated as he makes it all the way out of the theater, the exit door slamming open on impact and swinging shut with a locking click as he vanishes into the parking lot. His girlfriend, who is obviously the disheartened victim of an internet dating service, appears relieved and runs away quietly, spryly exiting through the main entrance.

The old guy cheers and his wife smacks him aside the back of his head.

"Shut up, Steve!" She resumes snacking and enjoying her movie. So do we all.

* Ninjas prefer the 24-hour time format but we don't call it military time because it's been around centuries longer than any military. Ninja history goes all the way back to the beginning of time when we measured moments in picoseconds and those incalculable fractions of time allotted to the passing breath one takes at the moment of death.

** Cheap tickets is one of the advantages of not being able to see movies when they come out (due to babysitting difficulties). Another advantage is that my Netflix queue is the triple digits. I will never EVER run out of something interesting to watch. Not that I ever have the time.