Yes, he has ninja powers... but he also has a strong Irish genealogy, which, contrary to popular belief that he can drink a lot, really means that his family tree is full of alcoholics and he has the tolerance of a 9-year-old.
So, I get home from dad's night out, an event orchestrated by our weekly parenting club and I check my email to find this:
LETTER FROM LOLLY STEVENS
MAY I APOLOGISE FOR INTRUDING INTO YOUR PRIVACY. MY NAME IS LOLLY STEVENS A CITIZEN OF WALES PRESENTLY IN ENGLAND. MY FAMILY AND I ARE HAVING PROBLEMS GETTING OUR FAMILY FUNDS(TWENTY MILLION DOLLARS) OUT OF A SECURITY COMPANY IN HOLLAND, SINCE THE DEATH OF MY FATHER. WE NEED YOUR HELP TO ASSIST US AND YOU WILL HAVE A SHARE OF SEVEN MILLION DOLLARS , BUT SINCE WE HAVE NOT MET BEFORE, I DECIDED TO SEEK FOR YOUR PERMISSION BEFORE GIVING YOU THE DETAILS. IF YOU WILL BE SO KIND ENOUGH TO GRANT ME THE PERMISSION, I WILL BE GLAD TO GIVE YOU THE DETAILS.THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND I WILL BE WAITING FOR YOUR RESPONSE. PLEASE REPLY ME BACK AT firstname.lastname@example.org
So, in my drunken stupor, I write him back:
MR LOLLY STEVENS!!1!1!one!!
Oh, how pleasureful it is to meet you. I need money like never would you conceive. However, since, as you say, we have never met, I must confirm your intentions as honorable and your bank account as valid. Please send me the account number and routing number to the bank account, along with the login information to that bank, which holds the $22 million you wish to transfer away from. I will deposit two small transactions INTO that account and verify that it is valid before we continue on the path of this transaction.
Billy-Joe-Bob Honky III
Less than ten minutes after sending my letter, I received a reply:
YOUR BRAZEN ATTEMPTS TO CONFRONT MY ACCOUNT AS INVALID HAVE INSULTED MY GENUINE NATURE AS A NATURAL TRUEBORN CITIZEN.
HOWEVER, I ENJOY YOUR PROFESSIONAL DEMEANOR AND I STILL BEGIN WISHFUL HOPE OF OUR BUSINESS. PLEASE SEE THE ATTACHED DOCUMENT AND OVERNIGHT FEDEX SHIP IT TO THE ADDRESS ENCLOSED. AFTER YOU HAVE FULFILLED THE DOCUMENT I WILL VERIFY YOUR ACCOUNT AND TRANSFER TO YOU $8 MILLION DOLLARS!
Needless to say, without haste, I used my ninja speed to travel to the other side of the world, appearing without warning on MR LOLLY'S doorstep.
He was not aware of my identity, until I took him by the collar and held him three feet off the ground. He then blurted out in haste, "Oh, my good sir! I did not know the transaction would take so long! Please be patient and your funds will appear!"
"Oh, little man. I am not here for the money. I am the vengeance of the Interweb, which you have so greatly offended. I am English grammar incarnate, here to pull the tongue from your ridiculous maw. I am Sleep Deprivation Ninja." Then my drunkenness caught up with my sleepiness and I passed out.
When I awoke, my hands were tied to a chair but my mask was still attached firmly, and mystically to my sore and hungover head. The eye slot wrapped limply and impractically around one of my eyes, covering the other at a bad angle so I could barely see through it. A large, bald, sinister looking toad, wearing a white coat, waltzed into the room, holding a giant furry white pet caterpillar.
"Ah, Mr. Ninja! You are just in time to see my full plan of world domination unfold. How marvelous of you to join us in this hour of triumphant glory!" The villain pats his pet with malicious joy and continues in his raspy cigar smoking voice. "Perhaps you would like to hear my full plan before it comes to fruition? Oh, how I enjoy bragging my brilliance."
He then spent the next hour and twenty minutes telling me every detail about his plan to bankrupt the global economy after controlling the sun with mirrors and becoming the only source of natural light on the planet. He would be the slave master of the human race, the savior of mankind.
Suddenly, a hamster dressed in a blue suit, wearing glasses, fell from the ceiling and landed on the toad's head. "Oh! I do apologize for dropping in."
"Good grief! Penfold?" I asked.
"Oh, hello Sleep Deprivation Ninja. HQ thought you could use a hand, so they sent me in to help. Afraid I've botched things up a bit. I fear your toad friend may have a concussion."
Penfold then untied me and together we ventured forth to rid the world of villainy.