Saturday, September 27, 2008

Summary of the Presidential Debate

Today's Exploits of Ninja & Child episode is on hold to make way for political ranting.

One of the candidates gave solid answers to questions tonight, the other compared himself to his idols, who happen to be two of the nations worst previous presidents and continuously sidetracked to reminiscent sympathy stories.

A full transcript of the debate is on CNN
(although, it fails to account for childish scoffs and panic stricken faces)

Here is my paraphrasing of the whole thing.

LEHRER: How do you all stand on the financial bailout, are you going to vote for it?

OBAMA: We haven't seen what it is we are voting on yet, so I can't say, but I'm optimistic we will come up with an agreeable solution. But we also need to identify how this happened and make sure it doesn't happen again. I saw this coming and warning people years ago. Nobody listened.

MCCAIN: I hope so, sure. And, wait, I did a lot of warning too a few months ago when this really hit the fan. I also think we need to hold these people accountable, which is what I will do after I ramble on about this story that has no relevance...

[then they parry and thrust about accountability and ague about who has the better tax plan briefly. Obama points out McCain's statement 10 days ago that the economy is fine. Obama disagrees with McCain on this.]

LEHRER: What are your fundamental differences?

MCCAIN: Obama wants to spend a bunch of money on frameworks for his master plan. I don't want to spend any money.

OBAMA: Yeah, I'm going to spend $18 billion on infrastructure for energy independence, education and economic reform, while you are going to GIVE AWAY $300 billion to wealthy corporations. You want to give money to the wealthiest 5% of the country and I am going to give it to the other 95%. You're just feeding off of more of Bush's economic hand-me-down policy.

MCCAIN: Well, I'm going to ignore your valid jab at my $300 billion giveaway and continue on attacking the less than $1 billion you have earmarked and your plan to spend $18 billion later. I know a couple hundred million dollars isn't a lot of money to someone like Obama (or me, chuckle), but it is to the American People! And he's even planning on spending.... um.... $800 BILLION DOLLARS!!!1!one11!!!!1

OBAMA: Your smoking crack. Nobody has said anything, ever, about $800 billion in spending. You're just making stuff up. But it is a FACT that you are actually planning to give away $300 billion to companies that don't need it and aren't even asking for it. We can't afford another 4 years of the same madness we've seen in the last 8.

LEHRER (to McCain): Respond directly to him about that, to Senator Obama about that, about the -- he's made it twice now, about your tax -- your policies about tax cuts.

MCCAIN: Well, here's the thing. Corporations in America are supposed to pay 35% tax. It's only 11% in Ireland where businesses are generally small and have no significant bearing on the world or on their economic system. I don't want all of our companies to move to Ireland so they can pay 11% taxes there. And, let me get back to that all that excessive spending the government is doing. That's just wrong. I don't care what they are spending it on. I want to give every American a $5000 tax credit so they can go shopping for their own health care. I don't want to have to make a health care plan for the country. Let people do it themselves. $5000 should be enough to cover anyone's medical costs, right? I'm not raising taxes. READ MY LIPS.

LEHRER: Senator Obama, you have a question for Senator McCain on that?

OBAMA: Yes. With my plan, no American who makes less than $250K/year will get a tax increase. I'm talking about 95% of Americans who have been shat on my your style of economic policy for the last 8 years. And McCain isn't telling people that that $5K comes with a stipulation. He's going to tax your health benefits. Your employer will have to pay extra for your health care and if employers then decide it's too expensive, you are entirely on your own for health care.

MCCAIN: Oh, you're just talkin' the talk. I vetoed a bill that was going to give billions to the oil industry.

OBAMA: But now, you are going to give them $4 billion o_0. And, how does that even relate to this conversation, you fucking douche?!

MCCAIN: Look at our records. I've got history and experience on my side. And look at Obama's record. He voted to tax people who had incomes under $42K.

OBAMA: That's simply not true. You're spouting lies that anyone can go out and verify through public voting records. Are you really that stupid?

MCCAIN: Oh, it's a fact, you can look it up!

OBAMA: It's not true. But you have setup policies that are going to give $4 billion to oil companies. That's a fact. And people will verify it. But you can dig your own grave full of lies.

LEHRER: All right. All right, so how is the $700 billion bailout--or however much it ends up being--going to affect your term in office. Will you have to cut back on some of the changes you want to make?

OBAMA: I have a tiered system. I want to do a ton of things and I will get many of them completely done but on a few, we will have to start with infrastructure and do the rest later. We WILL be free of foreign oil in 10 years. We will have a better education system. We will have investment in alternative energies. $700 billion is a lot of money. It doesn't just grow out of the governments ass. We will have to be thrifty but effective.

MCCAIN: All I care about is that we cut government spending. That won't be affected at all by the bailout. I have no plans to make the country or economy better in any way.

[more long winded banter about too much money being spent]

MCCAIN: It's well-known that I have not been elected Miss Congeniality in the United States Senate.

LEHRER: What are the lessons on our war in Iraq?

MCCAIN: WE WON!!!! But we can't leave yet!

OBAMA: Um... no we didn't win... al Qaeda is resurgent, stronger now than at any time since 2001. We took our eye off the ball. And not to mention that we are still spending $10 billion a month. We are doing our national security a massive disservice by ignoring the real issue with this facade. We've almost spent $1 Trillion on this war and lost 4000 US soldiers and had 30K soldiers wounded.

LEHRER: Do you agree with that, the lesson of Iraq?

MCCAIN: The next president of the United States is not going to have to address the issue as to whether we went into Iraq or not. It's not important. Obama has never been to Iraq! And He's never been to a hearing on Afghanistan. [Later reports indicate that McCain has never been to one, while Obama actually has]

[Lots of banter about war tactics]

MCCAIN: I got this bracelet from a mother of a dead soldier and let me tell you this story about it for a while.... [McCain rambles on]

OBAMA: Um, I got a bracelet from the mother of a dead soldier too. I wasn't going to mention it because it has nothing to do with this debate but I'm going to mention it to prove that you are a dumbass who has nothing relevant or unique to say.

MCCAIN: I don't think we should talk to our enemies. The silent treatment is the best. Oh, and I admire Nixon and Reagan. Those were the days.

OBAMA: Um. No, that didn't work with North Korea and it won't work in the future. And WTF? Are you insane?

MCCAIN: You're parsing words.

OBAMA: No, I'm not. You deaf old fool.

MCCAIN: It's well-known that I have not been elected Miss Congeniality in the United States Senate.

[McCain then chokes on his own vomit and clears his name from the running list]

9 comments:

jenboglass said...

So my husband and I were fully prepared to take a drink whenever the words "Vietnam" and "Maverick" were mentioned during the debates last night. We weren't prepared for the Nixon and repeated Kissinger references. And I'm sorry, old man, would you repeat that Miss Congeniality line again? I didn't hear it the first two times you mentioned it. Also, why wouldn't the little guy even look or acknowledge Obama? I like your synopsis of the events much better. I would have killed for a douche bag reference, just once. Maybe Palin will mention it when she gives it a go? She could work it into some joke where the punchline will enevitably be "lipstick".

Tuesday Girl said...

I LOVE this take on the debates. Way more fun then watching McCain have a mini stroke on live TV

Jenni said...

I hate John McCain. HATE.

ciara said...

lmao reading this...your paraphrasing made it far more interesting. obama definitely held his own last night.

@ jen i wondered, too, why he couldn't address obama by his first name, too.

oh, man-just thinking about the vice presidential debate is bothering me. don't know if i can listen to anymore of palin's stupidity. see how biden got to answer q's after debate, but they didn't have palin around for that? yeah. sad thing is, i keep seeing ppl say they want mccain because of palin...are the deaf? blind? she is NOT vice-president material.

Captain Dumbass said...

You sir, should be a speech writer. You could have injected a little more excitement into that debate. Not that it wasn't entertaining, but I was expecting a little more. And if Obama had called McCain a douchebag or asked if he was smoking crack, hell, I'd be signing up for a green card right now.

Jemez2 said...

there was an exchange where McCain said the crap about the $5000 tax credit so people can buy their own healthcare. I wanted to scream to Obama to tell him that he needed to ask McCain if he thought people starving or barely making ends meet would really give that money to an insurance company to pay a few months worth of insurance premiums, or would they make a house payment, buy some groceries, and put gas in their car instead? So then we'd have gotten our republican-sponsored handout, but they could wag their fingers at us for 'squandering' it. they get to be the good guy, the american people look wasteful, and all the americans living on the edge are still no better off. douche bags indeed.

Sleep Deprivation Ninja said...

Yeah, the whole thing stinks like Bush's most recent Economic Instability Package. Giving people a handout of cash never solves any economic problem. This is really basic stuff that we've learned countless times but it's the only answer these guys can think of. They aren't creative enough to fix the root of the problem.

Obama has the right idea about changing infrastructure. Those are permanent changes.

And what would people do when that $5K runs out and there's nothing left to pay your hospital bills. $5K is bullshit. It's not enough. It's McCain's kid's allowance. it won't last the end of the year and then McCain would be like, Oh well, I gave everyone a handout and they just squandered it. Fucking absurd.

GoMcCain said...

All obama wants to do is take money from those who have earned it and give it to those who wont get off their lazy ass, go to college, and get a job. obama wants to control health insurance too. so basically he's making the majority of the middle and lower class people dependant on the govenment.. sounds a lot like socialism to me. this really will not fix anything long term. people will get used to getting hand outs and the cycle will continue on with future generations.

Sleep Deprivation Ninja said...

So @GoMcCain, there are at least 3 things wrong with your argument:

1. McCain is actually planning a hand out, a real, literal hand-out, not Obama. McCain = $5K. 1 time. 1 deal. The end. No change to the system. Just a wad of cash. Then he wants to give billions to big oil and large corporations that don't need it.

2. Government subsidized healthcare works all over the world. We have fantastic medical care in this country IF and only if you are wealthy enough to afford it. If you don't have enough money, you get shitty healthcare. Or none.

3. I went to college. I don't have a lazy ass. I have a mortgage, a wife and a child. I make under $250K a year. My health care is ASS. McCain is going to keep the middle class paying absurd taxes while the upper class and big business get all the tax loopholes and pay a lower percentage than we do.