Monday, September 15, 2008

Typical Evening at the Ninja Fortress

I'm looking at this odd, yellow, half-of-a-melon, which is just sitting on the counter, a wet knife by its side. Turning to my wife, I say, "Hey, where's the other half to this melon?"

"It may or may not be inside my tummy."

"hmmm....What kind of melon is this, anyway... a Schrödinger melon? Or is this the famed Heisenberg's uncertainty melon?"

"It's an Up-Your-Butt Melon." My wife says with a sassy belly dance.

"Baby, don't listen to your mamma, people don't really talk like that." I direct this to Code Name Alice who is absorbing our parts of speech. She pays no attention to my warning.

"Yes, we do. Everyone talks like that." My wife decides.

A psychic speech bubble projects from baby Code Name Alice's head, "It's a squash melon!" I agree. It looks like a squash on the outside. The wife can't see these psychic speech bubbles (it's a ninja thing), so I comment on behalf of the baby. I get most of my good ideas from invisible speech bubbles that appear over my baby girl's head.

"It looks like a squash melon." I suggest.

"Yes," my wife humors, "it's a squash melon." Then she laughs at me like it's the most childish thing she's ever heard. "And you're the uncertainty melon."

"Don't say that. You're going to make me ambiguous about my location in space until you look at me. That's not fair." Although my wife is not a ninja, she possesses magical powers of influence.

"Ha, too late!" She looks away and I waver between being in the kitchen and being in the living room. It hurts my eyes for a minute. Then Alice saves me by looking at me and laughing. I appear in the living room. She looks away. Again I'm unsure where I am. She looks into the kitchen. "There's daddy!" And there I am.

"Ok... take it back. This is making me dizzy."

"Oh, alright, you aren't an uncertainty melon. You don't let me have any fun."

I solidify in a static location, my velocity finally certain. "You have all the fun."


Captain Dumbass said...

Guess I can't complain about the mere physical violence I suffer at the hands of Supreme Leader. When I get pushed out of space it's only the momentary result of her pimp hand.

jenboglass said...

"Up your butt melon." Ha! Ha! Ha! This is so something that would be said at my house.