Saturday, August 9, 2008

An Open Letter to Pirates

One of my many hobbies is walking in front of you, just close enough so you think you are making me uncomfortable. As you slow your pace, I slow mine. As you speed up to pass, I'm already ahead, quickening my steps to match. I can hear the frustrated discomfort in your breathing and hear the disheartened defeat in your scampering feet.

You can't escape.

We don't know each other. Perhaps I'll flip around and introduce myself. Hello! I'm Sleep Deprivation Ninja. Of course, you can't see that because I'm disguised as a regular Joe. I may even be wearing a Jolly Roger shirt to fool the locals.

I spin and stop. Taken aback, you notice my shirt.

"Oy! are you a Pirate?" You might say as a twenty something hipster, retro-punk, neo-rock, headphone jockey.
"Aye, aren't we all." Ninjas can't be tricked into blowing cover with such simple questions.

I make nice with piratekind. Keep your friends close and your enemies conspicuously buried in the ground. That's what the old master used to say. But his time is done. Times change. I've spent years cultivating my disguise. So much like a CIA drug mole, I've had to force myself off of the habits when at home. A double-life is a hard one, especially when deprived of sleep. I've found myself slip sometimes at the wrong time of day. In some ways I've become addicted to my fake persona. The secrecy is the best part. Ninjas love secrets. Of course, it can be fun to try my hand at pirate activities. Pirates have a good gig. I'll give you that. But no matter how many barrels of rum and kegs of mead or mermaid gazes and maiden's laces, my true nature sits meditating in wait.

My day job--and the industry as a whole--is famous for its abundance of pirates. It may appear that pirates have ninjas outnumbered but most of us live in secret, either undercover as pirates or underexposed as ninjas. Those who do not pretend simply do not wear a flag, pleging allegiance, right on their chests. It's actually a wonderful thing that ninjas don't have a flag. It prevents the young ones from advertising too quickly who they are, only to get savagely beaten by some seasoned pirates. So, be proud of your flag, pirates. Broadcast your location. Only the ninjas will know who is truly what.

We have infiltrated every bar and feigned a sip of every jug of mead. We watch and we wait. Our plans are many and our plans are great. Our plans span lifetimes, centuries, millennia. We even have plans for Mars colonization. Will you be there? Now that there is water?

You may think, as a pirate, that it was your idea to head down to the pub for some pints, but watch your drink carefully, friend. You won't see it coming. Trust no-one.

Oh, how much fun it is to watch you distrust your friends.

[ninja vanish]


Jon said...

Double lives are hard for sure.

steenky bee said...

There are a lot of pirates at my day job. Pirates have poor hygene habits. Pirates=stinky. Although, they ARE fun to party with.

Unknown said...

Awesome blog. I live between two parrallel universes, not fully welcome in either. I find pretending to be mad helps... Pirates are cool but ninjas are ice..