Monday, August 11, 2008

Wii Fit YogaTrainer, I'll Miss You

I turn on Wii Fit, expecting to start a great session of simulated workout. Time to beat some high scores and break a few records, I think. Even though I didn't get much sleep last night, I'm pumped. I can take it. I'm ready for anything.

The animated representation of the Wii Balance Board urges me on with a wiggle of it's jello-limp corner, acted as lifelike as it can. I step on the real balance board and choose one of the Yoga skills. I'm feeling so Zen and relaxed, I could turn into a concept right here, abstracting into nothing, totally under control and at peace. My trainer is awesome. We've bonded over doing these moves together for the past couple of weeks. She's sort of hot for a piece of software and that's pretty cool. She always gives me kudos for a good session.

The exercise starts up and the peace is instantly broken. My Zen is gone. My eyes curl and my jaw drops, creating a puzzled expression, which masks my inner horror. Rather than my sexy female trainer appearing on screen, asking if I want to view her from the front or behind, some dude shows up in spandex and starts talking to me in a dapper, confident tone.

Spandex Dude: "I hope you don't mind... I'm standing in today for your trainer."
Sleep Deprivation Ninja: "WTF? Yeah, I mind. What. The. Fuck. I was looking forward to working with MY trainer today, you prick. Did I ask for your help? Did I choose you when I setup my account? No. So, yeah, I mind.... What? Is my trainer out because she needs to wash her pixelated binary hair? Is she sick with some malware problem I should know about?"

The trainer just stares at me and suddenly my tone changes as I realize something might really be wrong with her. What if something happened? I'm being a real dick to this guy, digital or not, while he could be trying to gently let me know that she's dead. I imagine the trainer giving it to me straight.

"Sorry to have to break this to you but her ROM got munched up when we tried to read her into memory this morning. There was an intensity glitch in the laser and it fried her bits. Her data is totally corrupt. There's nothing we could do. I'm sorry for your loss." He would just tilt his head to the side and stare at the ground, averting my eyes.

I would hold firm and be pissed. "You're sorry for my loss!? Fuck you, you digital freak. I don't care if you're sorry. I want her back!"

"Hey, I don't like this either! I can't even go in sector 17 anymore, asshole. That's where I spent my leisure time before the accident..." He would make a cringe with the sides of his face and narrow his eyes in pain, "I... loved... her."

Silence. What can I say to that? Uh, sorry, I didn't know... forget it... let's just do some Yoga?
No good. That just won't do. He won't accept my apology. The Wii Fit Trainer stand-in just turns his back and walks away.

No Wii Fit today.

Fuck it. I turn off the Wii and turn to my blog. That just totally killed my mojo.


Captain Dumbass said...

SDN, your kung fu is strong.

steenky bee said...

Uh, oh. Sounds like Code Name:Wife may have infiltrated your Wii. You should check HER trainer. If she's smart her trainer will look like Rogers or Dahlhausser courtesy of the US Mens Beach Volleyball team. I know they're mine. No, wait a minute. That's just my TIVO replaying the match over and over. Mmmm. Dreammmmy.

Mike said...

Word to the wise...don't post the "watch from behind" button with your wife in the room. It leads to an awkard conversation