Sunday, August 3, 2008

The Red Fence

I'm outside fetching the recycling bin and I see a neighbor with her dog.

Sleep Deprivation Ninja: "Hi."
Neighbor Lady with Big-Ass Dog: "Hey."

I start to walk away but she stops and turns back to look and point at another neighbor's house.

NLwBAD: "Did they paint that or did someone else?"
SDN: "um, I think they did..."
Nosy Neighbor (with big-ass dog): "oh, it's kinda weird, innit? It makes all the other fences look odd. I wonder if they are going to paint the whole thing..."
SDN: "hmm... do you think they painted it in blood?"
NNwBAD: "um, what do mean?"
SDN: "I mean, it would be weird if they painted it in anything other than blood. Isn't that how it's supposed to be done?"
NNwBAD: "I just don't like it, it looks bad. It doesn't match with the other fences."
SDN: "Maybe we should all paint our fences. Then we can focus on the things that matter."

She walks away and Sleep Dep Ninja resumes his chore. Like I give a fuck about what color (if any) my neighbors use to paint their fence. First off, it's the weekend. I'm trying to focus on my family. We live in townhouse now, not a condo, specifically because we like not having nosy neighbors who have some authority over how we treat our fences, lawns and lives. Don't waste my time on petty aesthetic issues. If I'm going to worry about something, I'm going to worry about things that actually matter. Examples:

Is Isreal going to bomb Iran in the next 12 months? [one of many articles]

Am I going to fail in pursuit of my lifelong dream to be a writer and die a miserable wretch? [stories from my childhood to be posted soon]

Is the world, at the behest of the wealthy and unethical (or simply ignorant) elite going to choose biofuels over solar, wind and wave power as the next big thing, thereby continuing the increased trends in starvation, poverty and riots in the developing world: [Biofueld caused food crisis]

Is my baby going to suffer SIDS, leading to ultimate chaos as Sleep Deprivation Ninja would be forced to take on his multi-armed form and become Death, the destroyer of worlds, while the Solar Dancer's bright beautiful shinning light becomes extinguished forever?

Will the human race even survive? Do to any one of these: [Steven Petranek on TED]

I hate to sound pessimistic. I don't worry about these things all the time. Most of my days are filled with joy and promise, brought to me by my awesome baby girl--and, of course, I still love technology (always and forever). We will survive, I know it. How can I be so sure?

I'm not the only ninja out here.


. said...

I would be careful. Neighbors as concerned with conformity as that one appears to be hate ninjas. I recommend keeping in super stealth mode and avoid conversations that involving using human blood for home decoration.

Jon said...

What's the matter with you? You should've just beat their asses. People can't just bitch about painted fences without swallowing some teeth.

Captain Dumbass said...

I'm with BHJ, but how big was that dog?

Unknown said...

The dog was big, but come on... no dog is too big for a ninja. Maybe I should have smashed her a new fence hole but I try to keep the violence away from my front door. Of course, if that dog had so much as sniffed my ass...

Jasper Mockingbard said...

Ha ha ha ha ha!

I'd be more concerned with how poorly crafted the fence is... The boards in the middle of the picture appear to be quite warped. No self-respecting carpenter can call that a fence! It doesn't deserved to be painted! But, I suppose SDN could will the boards to straighten themselves.

uncouthheathen said...

maybe you should paint her fence and the next time you see one of your other neighbors, you could start bitching and moaning about hey, why does that lady think it's appropriate to paint a giant cock on her fence? This is a family friendly neighborhood.

Tootsie Farklepants said...

You should have proven the ninja you claim to be and painted that fence to her liking, in her presence, but without her actually seeing you do it. It would of blew. her. mind.

Anonymous said...

And she tootled on in the house to watch a little more Frasier..